You appreciate things much better from a different perspective. For weeks I've been talking to patients, trying to figure out what could be plaguing them, what is being done for them and how their life will be changed, if at all. But I'd be lying if I said that it was a happy journey because there are times when you feel helpless. You could spend hours over a textbook and still not be able to make a patient whole again. And I've seen how decisions are made, some with thoughtful deliberation, others with far less effort and it doesn't impress me. Maybe it's wrong of me to think highly of my capabilities or that of other people because there are some things that human hands simply cannot fix. And now that I am fully aware of this fact, it's much harder to convince myself that everything can be solved. But maybe this profession isn't about solutions? To cure sometimes, relieve often, comfort always?

And I've also seen unpleasant stuff, heard less than charming things and it further disillusions me. I can continually ask myself 'why' and yet the answer won't come. Doubt is also another issue I have to contend with. To be in a setting where grim news is commonplace isn't such a fantastic feeling. You walk out of the place and yet the aura hangs over you like a dark cloud. How can you not feel affected when you are expected to lead your own life knowing full well that someone else's could be over?

I guess reality is much too strong a force and it will weigh down heavily on my ideals and views. This is an area for improvement. To continue with what I think is right and have faith that it will work out or succumb to what seems inevitable at this point in time? I have no clue. I've asked myself this question before and 8 weeks later the answer still eludes me. Maybe I've been looking for it at the wrong places, trying to force out an explanation that will rationalize my future decision. But sometimes the harder you try the more it eludes you. What I do know is that I should use this time to recollect myself because when it all comes down to it, all I have is me.